


Excel Saga drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Excel Saga
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2002-03-31
Updated: 2007-12-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 12:45:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8328484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written March 2002; humor/parody/self-insert; 200 words.This is pretty much just a retread of the first episode.  But it was one of the first drabbles I ever wrote.This contains surreal violence.  Reader discretion is advised.





	1. The Plan To Assassinate The Author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written March 2002; humor/parody/self-insert; 200 words.
> 
> This is pretty much just a retread of the first episode. But it was one of the first drabbles I ever wrote.
> 
> This contains surreal violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Excel saluted. "Hail Il-Paratzo-sama! Um, if you're done killing me, could you give me my mission?"

"Very well." Il-Paratzo pressed a button, and a computer rose up from the floor. Its screen was filled with text. "Do you know what this is?"

"Oh no! It's fan fiction!"

"Indeed. There is no place for such putrescence in a world ruled by ACROSS!" Il-Paratzo pressed another button, and an anvil fell on the computer.

Then he pressed yet another button, and a large monitor appeared. "The author of these atrocities must be stopped. In other words, I want you to assassinate this man!" The visage of a rather shady-looking character appeared on the screen.

" _Wakarimashita_!" Excel shouted.

—

The author sang to himself as he typed at his computer. "La la la... Fan fiction authors are the scum of the earth, the failures of life..."

Excel stood behind him with a sword in her hand and a not even remotely sane expression on her face.

"La la la... It doesn't matter if one dies..."

Excel raised the blade. "For Il-Paratzo... With love..."

He saw the sword just before it fell. His last words were an eloquent summation of the human condition.

"Aw, MAN..."


	2. Poison Pill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written December 2002; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> See also [_D.O.A._](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D.O.A._%281988_film%29)
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death. Reader discretion is advised.

"I'm afraid that I have bad news," Il-Paratzo said, "concerning your ACROSS employee drug tests."

"But..." Excel stammered. "But... it was the poppy seed buns!"

"Not THAT," Il-Paratzo sighed. "You've both been given a fast-acting poison. You have only twenty-four hours to live!"

"GASP!" Excel gasped. "Who could have done this awful thing!"

Il-Paratzo nervously fingered a small bottle under his cape. "Well... your probable last mission is to find the anecdote. Good luck, and good riddance."

Excel turned to her partner. "Where should we begin, Ha- _chan_?"

Hyatt was already dead.

Excel sighed. "That's perfectly good poison gone to waste."


	3. Pratfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written January 2003; humor; 100 words.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and character pseudo-death. Reader discretion is advised.

Once again, Il-Paratzo gave up and pulled at the tasseled rope.

Nothing happened.

Excel had crouched and held her hands over her face. She peeked through her fingers. "Il-Paratzo- _sama_?"

Il-Paratzo frowned, and pulled at the rope repeatedly, looking up at the ceiling. "Must be jammed."

Excel was eager to help. "I'm sure I'm standing on the right panel..." She began jumping in place.

"Um, _sempai_?" said Hyatt. "I saw a coyote do that in a cartoon."

Excel kept jumping in place. "What happened, Ha- _chan_?"

The panel suddenly came unstuck, and once again, Excel fell to her death.

"That," Hyatt said.


	4. Death And Taxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Aug-2004; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**anime100**](http://anime100.livejournal.com/) "[death and taxes](http://anime100.livejournal.com/55532.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" by Douglas Adams.

A sniffling Excel carried a limp Hyatt into ACROSS headquarters. She laid Hyatt's sad lifeless body before Il-Paratzo's throne.

"Is something wrong, Excel?" asked Il-Paratzo dispassionately.

"Oh!" Excel cried. "I think Hyatt's dead for good, this time! I've tried cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and defibrillating paddles, and very hard drugs, but she just won't come back!!"

"No, no," Il-Paratzo said. "She's merely on assignment."

"Huh?" said Excel.

Il-Paratzo held up a financial ledger. "Hyatt has volunteered to help our organization take advantage of certain legal loopholes."

Excel gasped. "You mean—"

"Yes, Excel," said Il-Paratzo. "She's spending a year dead for tax purposes."


	5. Give Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written March 2005; crossover/humor; 100 words.
> 
> Written for a "bloody" challenge, but not submitted because someone else submitted a vampire joke before me.
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death. Reader discretion is advised.

A dark figure silently stalked the city streets, late at night. It was cloaked in shadows, and it smelled of dust, decay, and death. Centuries ago, it was known as Vlad Tepes the Impaler— but now, it was called Dracula, Lord of the Vampyres.

A pale young woman suddenly staggered around a corner and fell into the monster's arms.

"Good eeeeevening," Dracula said.

Hyatt began to introduce herself— but she fell into a coughing fit, vomited several units of blood, and died.

An annoyed Dracula looked at the bloody corpse. _I hate it when my dinner spills itself_ , he thought.


	6. Overattention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Dec-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[paladin](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/92822.html)" prompt.

"Hail Il-Palazzo-sama, the leader Of ACROSS!!" Excel shrieked.

Il-Palazzo began to talk— but Excel wasn't done. "Il-Palazzo— the last best hope of F-City!! The paladin of the people!! The soon-to-be savior of this wretched hive of scum and villainy!!"

"..." said Il-Palazzo.

"Il-Palazzo, the Illustrious Potentate!! The Big Enchilada!! Grand Poohbah of Excel's lonely heart, sweet little body, and soul!!"

Il-Palazzo sweat-dropped. "..." he said again.

"Il-Palazzo, all-seeing, all-knowing, all-ALL-ing!! Woo hoo!!"

Il-Palazzo rubbed his temples. _Fer cryin' out loud_ , he thought to himself. _Most of the time, she lets me get in a FEW words before she loses it._


	7. Human Traffic Jam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Sep-2006; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**chain_of_fics**](http://chain-of-fics.livejournal.com/) "[Now that I'm legal...](http://chain-of-fics.livejournal.com/42869.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains tasteless creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

["Now that I'm legal](http://chain-of-fics.livejournal.com/42869.html)," Excel said, "[I think I can participate in this experiment](http://chain-of-fics.livejournal.com/42869.html) that Il-Palazzo-sama has begun!"

"Doesn't it seem a bit suspicious?" Hyatt asked. "I don't mean to question Il-Palazzo-sama's plans... but we're supposed to have our hair and nails done, to put on the most alluring clothes we have, and to wait outside our apartment until we're picked up by human traffickers summoned by Il-Palazzo-sama himself."

"Don't be silly, Ha-chan!" Excel said. "Il-Palazzo-sama obviously wants us to infiltrate the traffickers' networks, so that we can help him fight this despicable and corrupt practice! He certainly ISN'T simply selling us into slavery, just to be rid of us, and to raise some petty cash for ACROSS! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!..."

An uneasy silence fell over the room.

"I wonder," Hyatt finally said, "what kind of a sad strange man would resort to buying a woman for a sex slave."

—

Later that same evening, Il-Palazzo waited expectantly by a rarely-used ACROSS headquarters back door marked "For Deliveries Only."

He checked his watch. In his free hand, he held a lovingly hand-crafted heavy leather collar labeled "Hyatt."

_Where IS that delivery-man?_ , Il-Palazzo thought. [_I specifically requested express delivery_](http://chain-of-fics.livejournal.com/43587.html).


	8. Certified And Certifiable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[immigrants and revolutionists](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from episode 1 of the anime.

"Miss Excel?" asked Pedro. "What's wrong?"

"The police are here on the construction site," Excel whispered. "They're searching for illegal workers."

"Don't worry," Pedro said. "I am a documented immigrant. I have nothing to fear from the Immigration Bureau."

"It's not you I'm worried about," Excel whispered. "I'm actually a secret agent involved in an elaborate scheme to conquer the world."

"Is this another one of those stupid Japanese jokes?" Pedro asked.

Excel forgot herself. "Hail Il-Palazzo-sama!!" she shrieked.

"I do not know exactly what medications you are taking," Pedro said, "but please do not operate any heavy construction equipment."


	9. Die Young Stay Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) 2006 Theme Exchange [#28 "I hope I die before I get old"](http://ea-fanworks.livejournal.com/2655.html) prompt.
> 
> See also "[Die Young Stay Pretty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO5VV5PISHU)" by Blondie.
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death. Reader discretion is advised.

Excel and Hyatt were chatting as they prepared for their latest mission.

Hyatt paused. "Excel? Do you ever think about our future? What will we do when we can no longer work for ACROSS? We won't be young forever."

"We have no future!!" Excel shouted. "Our ultimate fate is to die in the service of Il-Palazzo-sama!! To die permanently, I mean. What could be more heroic, more tragic, and more romantic, than—"

Hyatt wasn't listening. She was lying on the floor in a slowly spreading pool of her own blood.

Excel sighed. "Ha- _chan_ , you take the fun out of everything."


	10. Mad About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Dec-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[her own brand of sanity](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1321868.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Excel was escorted to some new living quarters by two nice young men in clean white coats.

"This room is so soft and warm!" Excel said as she wriggled in her straitjacket. "And my new 'uniform' is so comfortable! Does it suit me?"

"The man who had you committed specifically requested it for you," the first man said.

"Oh, I hope Il-Paratzo visits me soon!" Excel sighed deeply, fell to the padded floor, and writhed in a deeply disturbing way. " _Aahn_ , Il-Paratzo- _sama_!!..."

"Either she's completely insane," the second man said to the first, "or else both of them are perverts."


End file.
